Growing up presbyterian, I never questioned whether there was a God, but by 16 I had exited the fold because I simply didn’t believe that Jesus would do all the dirty work for me and that faith alone would save me and condemn all others. I thought I needed to be good and that others who were good were ok too. I didn’t believe in eternal heaven or hell as places other than earth and questioned the reality of angels and demons as anything other than pure mythology. I toyed with the possibility of concepts such as reincarnation and karma. But more importantly, I was disgusted by the historical treatment of women in Christianity and its penchant for violence and domination.
So at 16 I went to wander in the desert of the soul. I searched through Hinduism and Buddhism but didn’t find the strong sense of divinity I wanted. I read about and admired Islam but turned away from it for the same reasons I turned from Christianity. In my darkest days I questioned whether or not I was simply agnostic with spiritual yearnings.
I finally decided that modern pantheistic paganism worked for me because it allowed for multiple views of divinity, including a generally monotheistic belief in God as mother AND father but created space for humanism, feminism, and ecology in my spirituality. I came to believe that women embodied Goddess just as men embodied God. I felt that the earth echoed both the beauty and terror of God/Goddess and must be revered. I saw the possibility reincarnation as a manifestation of the soul as it is controlled by the laws of thermodynamics, never ceasing, never starting, simply changing and came to believe that i was responsible for creating my own heaven and hell here on earth. I learned see others as manifestations of God to be loved and respected. I learned that through spiritual work and physical service, I was an active participant in Creation and the universe. I learned to have a one-on-one relationship with the divine.
So why am I not totally happy as a pagan/wiccan? There is a lack of organized community within the faith. There are small, cliquish covens but not congregations. There is little social support. Pagans don’t do organizations. They don’t advertise, so when you move, good luck finding a group to study with. They don’t seem to feel enough of a bond to stay together long and there is a lot of group evolution. No two pagans agree on theology and its hard to define "doctrine" as there is no one holy book to refer to. traditions vary widely, and there is a general lack of discipline in many (not all) of the trads. Furthermore, and please forgive the harshness of this statement, there is a large majority of modern "oagans" that have chosen the path out of a need for escapism. They like wearing capes and want to justify their Larper lifetyles as a celebration of culture and/or faith. D&D freaks, trekkies, and people who like dressing as faires DO NOT CONSTITUTE A COMMUNITY for me. Sorry, but I’m a non-celtic, non-psychic, dragon non-believer that just wants a powerful and mystical tradition rooted in logic and debate.
(Again I’m sorry if I have offended, dear pagans, but deep down, you know I’m speaking truth;)
I really want a spiritual home that feels like a family and follows traditions, has rituals, and maintains some discipline. I want a community that expects much from its people but is gracious with others. I had never considered Judaism as a youth because I thought you HAD to be born into it or than a man might convert simply because his wife would be jewish and his kids would be automatically as well. I never knew it accepted general converts. So I’ve attended services and started studying Jewish scripture (a little different than the Christian version) and am pondering my ability to keep kosher and follow shabbat restrictions. The conclusion that I draw is that Reform Judasim would be a great home for me because it is a dynamic and modern path within a traditional and disciplined community that is generally more open to converts who are unable to not drive on Saturday or take a sacred bath at the synagogue after every menstruation. Ethics and tikum olam practice without the archaic attitudes. Fantastic!
So my issue that I put to the community at large is that my husband is a non-jewish, agnostic and will not be interested in conversion. We have no children (which are an important mitzvah) and our families are catholic and protestant. How hard is it going to be to be Jewish and keep a jewish home without my husband or any of my family being Jewish. Is this an insurmountable social obstacle?
Are there any converts who can advise?